Say Yes to the Mess

FREE man in messy roomAre you a “Neat Freak” or a “Messy Bessie” in your grief?  When losses occur in your life (due to death, loss of good health, job loss, relationship break-ups, financial struggles, etc.) do you expect your response (i.e. grief) to be orderly and predictable or do you immerse yourself in the chaos of grief?

Neat Freaks expect grief to follow a certain path.  They cling to “stage theories” of grief such as Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).  They believe this is a road map to a sequential order of grief (even though these stages were never really meant to be stages of grief).  They are convinced that if they deviate from this plan then they are not grieving normally or are stuck in denial.

Neat freaks expect a certain amount of uniformity to grief, assuming everyone grieves in the same pattern.  In their quest for an orderly and predictable grief they don’t take into account personality, family dynamics, culture, religious or philosophical beliefs, gender roles, loss history, or other important factors.

Neat freaks expect grief to take a certain amount of time and then be done.  They might say “I should be over it by now,” not realizing that in many ways grief takes a lifetime.  There’s no set end date to grief.  Grief lingers.

On the other hand, Messy Bessies may begin to define themselves by the messes that surround them.  They get so caught up in the chaos of grief that seeking a way out of the mayhem seems impossible.  They see the chaos as an end and not a means to an end. They get so comfortable in their mess that it becomes a way of life even though it is unhealthy.

Messy Bessies don’t learn that one of the jobs of a griever is to find a “new normal.”  Grief is messy, for sure.  Things will be in disarray for a while as we struggle to incorporate the loss into our lives.  But we must be careful not to get stuck in the maelstrom.

Grief impacts all areas of our lives (jobs, relationships, physical health, etc.).  Everything gets messed up when we grieve.  This state of commotion can become a modus operandi if we don’t recognize the need to eventually emerge from the mess, stained but clean enough.

In grief, we are called to be neither a “Neat Freak” nor a “Messy Bessie.”  We must say Yes to the messiness of grief so we can fully enter into the grieving process, knowing it will be a complex and unpredictable venture.  We know our grief won’t look exactly like our friend, spouse, or child’s grief.  We realize grief work is never completely done and our grief will hit us in waves when we least expect it, even years after a loss.  We must accept this messiness.  If we try to organize, compartmentalize, or accurately predict our grief trajectory we will find ourselves suffering another loss – not achieving our unrealistic expectation of “getting over it.” This will only add to our grief and delay our healing.

I recently saw these words on a church bulletin board: “You can’t get to spring until you go through winter.”  That’s how grief is.  We need to experience our messy grief winter – the cloudy days full of fear and uncertainty; the cold, lonely nights; the slush of mixed emotions – if we ever expect to rejoice in our grief spring when the seeds of our grief work will begin to blossom into life-giving and beautiful creations.

Are you feeling stuck in the messiness of grief?  Are you frustrated because your grief is not what you expected…. or not what others expected?

Grieve Well . . . Live Well

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About Cheryl Amari

Cheryl Amari has been an educator for the past 20 years. She has a passion for teaching and is known for her creative, informative, and engaging presentations. Cheryl has a Master’s degree in Pastoral Counseling and is Certified in Thanatology. As the founder and owner of GriefTeach, Cheryl is committed to offering unique and customized educational programs for all types of loss, as well as consulting services that help organizations better serve the bereaved, and coaching services for one-to-one support. You can contact Cheryl at or 978-457-3040.

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